Shifting

Sometimes shifts can be subtle. It could be the release of a thought or tendency that no longer resides within our daily habits. Sometimes shifts are so tiny that we don’t even realize them until so much time has passed. 

Recently I have noticed shifts in my level of awareness and emotional reactions. As someone who is highly sensitive, I have noticed that my awareness has created a healthy divide between my emotions and self-esteem. For a long portion of my life my emotions have controlled me and dictated how I viewed myself and the world around me. In hindsight, I think a large portion of this connects to my insecurities and shyness as a young child.

As the years have passed and I have grown into a young woman, that emotional rollercoaster has cost me too much. For too long, I had allowed emotional reactions to put me into a corner and fuel me with the perfect amount of fear so I could not escape. And for awhile I thought that I had to be strong to fight that fear to escape. Yet, something opened my eyes recently and brought a new mentality into my life. 

Maybe sometimes it’s not about being strong and fighting the fear. Maybe it’s about being vulnerable to the fear and sometimes that means crumbling. Putting on a brave face only works for so long, unless you honor where you are at in life and wear it proudly like a badge of honor. For so long, I was not honoring where my life was at. I was constantly fighting it. 

I was fighting it because I was fueled by emotions like resentment, grief, embarrassment and judgement. I refused to allow myself to accept the present moment and that has caused me so much pain.  

The crumbling allowed me to expand my awareness and realize the truth of my inner world. It took me awhile to accept the present moment. Looking back, it was as if there were two aspects of myself that were constantly at war with themselves. One side knew that everything is okay and perfect just the way it is, and the other side would fight back with the feeling that I was not good enough. 

I like to call that other side ego, and the ego has no place in my life. The inner battle can be won with vulnerability.