The Day The Music Died
For so long I have pursued creative endeavors, and then gave up. I look back on my accomplishments and I’m proud of the steps that I have taken towards my goals, but I also realize how quickly I am to give up. I’m not saying that I am a quitter or that I slack off. I’ve noticed that I am not a big believer in myself and I get discouraged. As time passes and things remain at a standstill, there is this internal struggle within my mind that begins to escalate until I get so fed up that I quit.
Many times I allow the external chatter of others to influence the direction I take my life in.
I always respect the opinions of others, but sometimes I take it to heart. I’ve grown up with the mentality that the people closest to me know what’s best for me. Yet, I am recently learning that only I can know what’s best for me.
Another influence that I have realized has hijacked my thinking is my EGO. My “ego” has basically told me constantly that I am not good enough and I will not create something sustainable. So I listen and I begin to retreat and give up on my goals. It has come to the point that I don’t even want to create any more goals because I am so hard on myself. Even as I type this I understand how horrible this sounds. Unfortunately, this is the truth of what occurs in my mind on a daily basis. Tears run down my face as I write this because I have caused myself so much pain for no reason.
We grow up in a world where we are constantly being given the cold hard truth. As children we are directed to pursue “realistic” dreams and to keep our heads out of the clouds. As an adult who constantly dreams and believes in magic, it has been disheartening for me to exist in this world. The things I feel are constantly being conflicted with the thoughts in my head.
I have been guilty of putting the things that I am passionate about on the back burner to make others happy. And I have not realized any of this until I had a breakdown. The breakdown caused me to also look at myself and realize that being sad is okay. I am learning from each decision I make and I cannot beat myself up over these decisions.
This breakdown came in the form of a loop. It was as if everything I have been experiencing was repeating itself over and over. The patterns and never ending impulsive thoughts were life altering. The loop has been dragging me along mindlessly for years now. The hardest pill to swallow has been acknowledging this loop. We all get so caught up in the repetition and patterns, thinking that they are safe and responsible. The thought that “if we continuously live our lives a certain way with specific guidelines then we must encounter happiness and success.” But when that repetition and pattern is not meant to be in our lives, it will just continue to loop. And that happiness and success never comes. So we become prisoners to the loop. In that never ending search while the emptiness and despair creeps in, making it harder to escape the loop.
To hear this realization holds a difference resonance than actually feeling it in your soul. I’ve told myself more times than I could count how detrimental this thought process was to my life. But it hasn’t actually sunken in until my life felt so empty and meaningless from the endless work that I have put in. I haven’t been investing the right energy that is necessary for my life path. As much I know that I’m intuitive, I also know that I am a human being and am prone to making mistakes. I’m not perfect and I’m finally ready to stop trying to be perfect.
I don’t know where life is going to take me.
I don’t know what tomorrow will hold. But the one thing that I am embracing is the fact that I’m not alone in this journey. When the going gets tough surround yourself with love and positivity. I am blessed to be surrounded by the most loving and incredible people on this planet. For that, I am eternally grateful and will continue to push past my darkness because I know the light exists within me. You cannot kill the light.