Speaking My Truth

This morning I woke up and put aside some time to pause and reflect on the evolution that has occurred in my life in the past year. Most of the time, we sit back to reflect on the change that has occurred over a longer stretch of time. This morning I felt compelled to remind myself of the growth that I have cultivated and endured just within one year.

One year. Just saying, “one year”, carries an air of juxtaposition with it. It flies by so very quickly, but contains an immense amount of experience, emotion and knowledge. I’ve truly come to terms with the fact that time is relative. As I have evolved over the past year, my mindset towards routine and conformity have evolved as well.

I have allowed more of a “flow” to enter into my life and have veered away from the strict and rigid routine that I had been so used to. Sometimes these routines can show up in a physical sense, but it can also be mental routines. I had a bad habit of limiting myself to the things that I could achieve and the goals that I wanted to accomplish. At the time, I felt it was necessary to structure my personal goals to align with the expectations of society and those around me. I was limiting myself.

I’m getting triggered so much and I want to literally scream at the top of my lungs. I’ve fought so hard this past year. I’ve sacrificed so much and I know it can’t all be for nothing, but when will my time come? I just feel so incredibly drained and frustrated.

So this is proof that you can’t always be happy and positive. I feel like a part of me is dying. It’s difficult and painful at times. But I would rather be honest, rather than put on this front that I am okay.